{"id":3242,"date":"2019-05-06T03:30:37","date_gmt":"2019-05-06T08:30:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/andreajoywenburg.com\/?p=3242"},"modified":"2019-06-23T13:52:53","modified_gmt":"2019-06-23T18:52:53","slug":"how-to-take-the-pressure-off-high-stakes-conversations","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/andreajoywenburg.com\/how-to-take-the-pressure-off-high-stakes-conversations\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Take the Pressure Off High-Stakes Conversations"},"content":{"rendered":"\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Why do high-stakes conversations always feel so intense? Is it really necessary for these difficult conversations to feel like they\u2019re really so high-stakes? In this episode, I discuss the two questions above, what makes a conversation a high-stakes one, three questions to help you be prepared and ready to create the best outcome we can, the importance of understanding how you handle stressful situations and conversations, and more.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Mentioned in this episode:<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\r\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.howtofascinate.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Fascinate Assessment<\/a><\/li>\r\n<li>Email Me: <a href=\"mailto:andrea@voiceofinfluence.net\">andrea@voiceofinfluence.net<\/a><\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Play here (the red triangle below), on<span style=\"color: #800000;\"> <a href=\"https:\/\/itunes.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/voiceofinfluences-podcast\/id1223799516\">iTunes<\/a>, <a href=\"http:\/\/www.stitcher.com\/s?fid=135618&amp;refid=stpr\">Stitcher<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/tunein.com\/radio\/Voice-of-Influence-Personal-Branding-p1009849\/\">TuneIn Radio<\/a> <\/span>(Amazon Alexa) or wherever you listen to podcasts.<\/h2>\r\n<p><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-3243 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/andreajoywenburg.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/High-Stakes-90-FB.jpg?resize=760%2C422\" alt=\"Voice of Influence Podcast Andrea Joy Wenburg\" width=\"760\" height=\"422\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/andreajoywenburg.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/High-Stakes-90-FB.jpg?w=810&amp;ssl=1 810w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/andreajoywenburg.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/High-Stakes-90-FB.jpg?resize=300%2C167&amp;ssl=1 300w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/andreajoywenburg.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/High-Stakes-90-FB.jpg?resize=768%2C427&amp;ssl=1 768w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/andreajoywenburg.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/High-Stakes-90-FB.jpg?resize=760%2C422&amp;ssl=1 760w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/andreajoywenburg.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/High-Stakes-90-FB.jpg?resize=518%2C288&amp;ssl=1 518w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/andreajoywenburg.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/High-Stakes-90-FB.jpg?resize=82%2C46&amp;ssl=1 82w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/andreajoywenburg.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/High-Stakes-90-FB.jpg?resize=600%2C333&amp;ssl=1 600w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 760px) 100vw, 760px\" \/><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" style=\"border: none;\" src=\"\/\/html5-player.libsyn.com\/embed\/episode\/id\/9667127\/height\/90\/theme\/custom\/thumbnail\/yes\/direction\/backward\/render-playlist\/no\/custom-color\/ad2c30\/\" width=\"100%\" height=\"90\" scrolling=\"no\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\r\n<h2><strong>Transcript<\/strong><\/h2>\r\n<p>Hey, hey!\u00a0 It\u2019s Andrea and welcome to the Voice of Influence podcast. \u00a0This is where we talk about the intersection between leadership, human dynamics, and service.\u00a0 And I\u2019m really glad that you\u2019re here with us today. \u00a0We are going to talk today about high stakes conversations. \u00a0Why do they always feel so intense and do they need to? \u00a0Is it really necessary to feel like these difficult conversations are really that high stakes? \u00a0What makes a conversation a high stakes conversation?<\/p>\r\n<p>There are times when there really is a lot on the line, when you\u2019re in negotiations, when you have to make a change and confront somebody about making a change. \u00a0There can be high stakes conversations, no doubt about it.\u00a0But I do believe that after observing and being a part of so many different kinds of difficult conversations, they are quite often not nearly as high stakes as we make them out to be. \u00a0Sometimes, we build those high stakes conversations up so much in our minds that we end up showing up to them in ways that really aren\u2019t helpful.<\/p>\r\n<p>So, today we\u2019re going to talk about how, to not necessarily lower the stakes but, to be prepared in such a way that those high stakes conversations actually turn out so we\u2019re prepared and ready to create the best outcome we can. \u00a0The first question is what is really at stake? \u00a0Now on the surface level, there are going be things that are stake.\u00a0 As we mentioned before, negotiations; it could have to do with money.\u00a0 It could have to do with a deal. \u00a0It could have to do with whether or not you get the sale or whether or not you\u2019re able to convince someone to get onboard with your idea so that you can move forward.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n<p>So what is it on the surface level that is at stake?\u00a0 What is this conversation about in an objective sense? Think about it in terms of chips, like poker chips. \u00a0You might be holding a few poker chips. \u00a0The other person might be holding a few poker chips. \u00a0There might be some at stake on the table and the question is where will these poker chips end up at the end of the game?\u00a0 It\u2019s important to know what exactly those poker chips are. So before you head into a conversation, think about what are the objective things at stake.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n<p>The next question is what outcome do you want?<\/p>\r\n<p>Now, this may seem obvious on the front end, but if you think about it, sometimes we\u2019re not exactly sure what we want to happen.\u00a0 So, we might have an idea of where we want those poker chips to end up, but the real question is why do we want them to end up there? \u00a0If you end up with all the poker chips, for example, if you end up with everything that you want, what will happen to the relationship or what will happen to the company or what will happen with buy-in? \u00a0What do you really want? \u00a0Do you want everybody to do what you say, or do you want the company to move forward? \u00a0Do you want your initiative to move forward? \u00a0Do you want your relationship to move forward?\u00a0<\/p>\r\n<p>So, this is where we take the idea of those objective things, those poker chips.\u00a0 And we say, OK, those are the things that are at stake, but just a layer beneath that is a sense of what the goal really is. \u00a0What is the ultimate goal of the game, to win? \u00a0What does the win look like? \u00a0So, get a clear picture in your head of what the win really looks like. \u00a0What does it feel like? \u00a0What do you want to accomplish out of this goal, out of this conversation? \u00a0What do you want to accomplish out of this conversation?<\/p>\r\n<p>It\u2019s really amazing to me how often people are really not sure what they want.\u00a0 They have a sense of what they want. \u00a0They kind of see on the surface of what they want, but there\u2019s so much more going on inside of them that they\u2019re having a hard time clearly picturing a positive outcome. \u00a0So, get very, very clear on what would be a positive outcome, what are you willing and then think in terms of options.\u00a0 If this option were to happen, what would that mean for the situation if option B were to happen? \u00a0What would that mean for this situation? \u00a0Think those things through. \u00a0Think through the different kinds of outcomes that could take place and what you\u2019re OK with.<\/p>\r\n<p>You might have an ideal situation, but you might also have a situation that you\u2019re OK with. \u00a0So, make it really clear in your mind what is it that you want out of this situation but then also what are you willing what else would be a positive outcome even if it\u2019s not the ideal? \u00a0Alright, so we have a sense of your poker chips. \u00a0You know what you\u2019re dealing with here and then you also know what you want to happen. \u00a0<\/p>\r\n<p>Now the question is what do you really have to lose?<\/p>\r\n<p>Alright, we\u2019re going to take this from that surface level and we\u2019re going to go way deeper. \u00a0So you know on one sense that you have these poker chips or these certain things that are at play that could be lost. \u00a0But there\u2019s more going on. \u00a0There\u2019s always more going on inside of us because we\u2019re human beings. \u00a0We have desires.\u00a0 We have fears.\u00a0 We have things that we really care about and so we have to kind of look down a little deeper to find out what it is inside of us that is at stake.<\/p>\r\n<p>This really gets to a sense of your ego or that sense of value and purpose and identity:\u00a0<strong>What do you really have to lose <em>inside<\/em>?<\/strong> \u00a0So, here are the two things that often come up.<\/p>\r\n<ul>\r\n<li>Rejection<\/li>\r\n<li>Failure<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n<p>&#8220;If I am rejected, if somehow or another this thing that I\u2019m offering or somehow in this situation I am rejected,&#8221; then some people are going to feel an intense sense of lack of value that they\u2019re not enough. \u00a0They\u2019re going to feel like they are being rejected as a person, not just because not just their surface kind of poker chips being rejected, but their whole sense of self can be wrapped up in the fact that they\u2019re offering something or in the fact that they are having this conversation and they don\u2019t want to be rejected by the other person in some kind of way.<\/p>\r\n<p>So is it a sense of rejection that could bother you or is it a sense of failure? \u00a0Is it, \u201cIf I don\u2019t accomplish my goal then I fail and if I fail then what does that say about me as a person and my value?\u201d\u00a0 Both rejection and failure have to do with our personal sense of value, and whether or not we believe that other people believe that we\u2019re valuable or that we believe that we are valuable. \u00a0So it\u2019s this sense of our own personal value that is at stake when these things happen, \u201cIf I\u2019m rejected or if I fail, \u00a0what is the point?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cSo who am I?\u201d \u00a0\u201cIf I\u2019m rejected or if I fail, what am I really worth?\u201d \u00a0\u201cWhat do I have to offer?\u201d\u00a0\u201cWhy does it even matter?\u201d \u00a0These sorts of questions are deep, internal questions that you may not even realize you\u2019re asking on your thinking about your high stakes conversations, but you might know that they are present if you pay very close attention to how nervous you are or how intense you are in the pursuit of getting what you want.<\/p>\r\n<p>One of the tools that I use with clients, either in groups or one on one is the Fascinate\u00ae Assessment. \u00a0It is a simple assessment, easy to comprehend, but yet super accurate.\u00a0 You can take it quickly and it can make a huge difference with a small amount of effort. \u00a0And so that\u2019s the one of the reasons why I use this assessment. \u00a0But this past week I was doing a workshop with a team and we were talking about one of the concepts in the Fascinate\u00ae Assessment, which is the sense of double trouble. \u00a0And what that means is that each personality is different. \u00a0Everybody speaks with a different kind of language, were perceived in different ways and then you put a couple of those different languages together and you come up with an archetype.<\/p>\r\n<p>It\u2019s sort of your unique way of interacting with the world, how the world sees you. \u00a0But if you get super stressed out then you can double up on just one of your languages or advantages is what they call them. \u00a0And you can get super, super dialed in on it. \u00a0And the way that I look at this is that our personalities are like a super power. \u00a0They\u2019re going to show up big, regardless of whether or not we\u2019re using them for good or for evil; or perhaps a better way to put that is whether or not we\u2019re really helping people with our personality and the way that we communicate or we are causing problems with it.<\/p>\r\n<p>And this particular assessment gives people a real clear sense of, this is what it looks like when you are stressed out and it\u2019s not good for other people. \u00a0So, for example, the Innovation Advantage, somebody who particularly thinks outside the box and is creative and that sort of thing.\u00a0 If they are totally stressed out, they just want to be left alone. It\u2019s like this sense of anarchy like \u201cJust leave me alone.\u201d\u00a0 Everything feels like chaos. \u00a0They cause chaos when they get stressed out and that sort of thing.<\/p>\r\n<p>Whereas, someone with the Alert personality, which is a little bit more about being detail-oriented and that sort of thing, when they get really stressed out, they could tend to be more like a control freak and wanting to pin people down and get exact on their information in their processes.\u00a0 And it could be really annoying to other people and it\u2019s truly seemed like a control freak.<\/p>\r\n<p>Well, we each have these different things inside of us. \u00a0You know, we might not have the exact same ones, but we all have a personality. \u00a0We all have gifts and talents, abilities. \u00a0But these things can also be used for hurting people, for causing problems when we are motivated in the wrong way. \u00a0So, one of the helpful things about this particular assessment is that it shows you how your personality can look when you get stressed out. \u00a0So when you start to see yourself doing these things, even though you don\u2019t want to see that in yourself, even though I don\u2019t want to see myself as being too powerful or throwing ice like Elsa, I don\u2019t want to see that.<\/p>\r\n<p>But when I do see that it is an indication that I\u2019m stressed out right now to the point where I am being motivated by fear. \u00a0When fear is really stirring up inside of us, you know, you get to that inner brain, the place in your brain where it really starts to work with fight or flight and it takes over the rational brain, the frontal lobe.\u00a0 It just sort of like become such a big deal, like \u201cI have to get this figured out.\u201d\u00a0\u201cI have to solve this for myself.\u201d \u00a0\u201cI have to get the right answer because if I don\u2019t, I feel like I\u2019m going to die.\u201d \u00a0And it\u2019s easy to laugh at, but think about it when you get totally stressed out, do you ever feel like, \u201cOh my gosh,\u201d like you\u2019re just going to die if something happens?<\/p>\r\n<p>My example is that when I was younger, maybe early twenties, well before that, I really felt like I needed to be perceived as good, strong, and competent. \u00a0Those were kind of the main things that, \u201cBoy, if Andrea doesn\u2019t show up in this way then I don\u2019t know what\u2019s going to happen\u201d because I was really, really concerned that if people didn\u2019t see me like that, they wouldn\u2019t listen to me. \u00a0They wouldn\u2019t take my advice. \u00a0They wouldn\u2019t want to be my friend, all those things. \u00a0And so my sense of identity was this kind of good, strong and competent persona, and I had to be her.\u00a0 I had to be that Andrea. \u00a0If I broke out of that box in any kind of way, if the ideal Andrea turned into, \u201cOh wait, she\u2019s not so good.\u201d \u00a0\u201cShe got in trouble for something,\u201d or \u201cshe is not so strong, look at her, she\u2019s crying.\u201d\u00a0Or \u201cShe\u2019s not competent.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cLook, she just made a fool of herself.\u201d \u00a0When those things would happen, I would feel like I was going to die. \u00a0It was that intense.<\/p>\r\n<p>I told the story in my book, but one of the times that I really sort of broke me out of this situation was that I felt it so intensely when I was in my early 20\u2019s that I felt like all three of those things kind of burst out of my box all at the same time.\u00a0And I wanted to literally go dig a hole and cover myself up with all the dirt and hide from everybody because I felt like I was so, not me. \u00a0I felt like I\u2019d screwed it up and now that I can\u2019t be me, now that somebody has seen me as not me, like who am I now? \u00a0I totally lost my sense of self because my sense of self was wrapped up in the good, strong, and competent persona. \u00a0And I really thought that was the real me.<\/p>\r\n<p>Well, what happens when we get into these high stakes conversations is that all of that is at stake.\u00a0Whatever it is that is your sense of self, your persona that you believe needs to be there in order for people to like you, in order for people to be influenced by you, in order for people to follow you, and in order for you to succeed; they have to see you in this certain way. \u00a0All of that is at stake in these high stakes conversations.<\/p>\r\n<p>And so my question for you is what is that specifically, for you? \u00a0What is it for you that is at stake when you show up to these high stakes conversations and if things don\u2019t go your way, what will happen to you inside? \u00a0Are you worried about rejection? \u00a0Are you worried about failure? \u00a0Usually, it\u2019s one of those two things or some variation on those two things. \u00a0<strong>When you come to a conversation and your primary goal is to survive and to get what you need to maintain your sense of your persona then<em> everything is at stake<\/em>. \u00a0You\u2019re going to come to that conversation with more intensity or perhaps with more fear or you\u2019ll totally run away from it, but you\u2019re going to be in that sense of <em>fight or flight<\/em> because you feel like you\u2019re going to die if you don\u2019t succeed.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n<p>So what do you need to do to navigate this? \u00a0How do we need to handle this? \u00a0Well, number one, we need to get really clear on all of the answers to those questions that I just posed. \u00a0What is at stake on a surface level? \u00a0What outcome do I really want to have and what would I be OK with? \u00a0But then also what\u2019s in stake inside of me, because if you go to that level and you\u2019re able to recognize that, \u201cOh my gosh, I feel like so stressed out.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m looking like a different version of myself than I really want to portray to other people.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cI am feeling more intense,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m feeling more reserved than usual and I\u2019m letting fear and the fear of my own self being rejected or myself failing.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m so motivated by that fear that it feels like this is a huge deal.\u201d \u00a0\u201cIt feels like life and death are at stake.\u201d<\/p>\r\n<p><strong><em>So many times we put those kinds of stakes on these conversations that would otherwise not need to feel like high stakes conversations.\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\r\n<p>So how do we deal with it? \u00a0The real question is how do you move toward a motivation that is not fearful but instead is loving?\u00a0 Now, I\u2019m talking about focusing, turning your focus from yourself and self-preservation and survival and being able to get what I need to feel OK.\u00a0 Instead of feeling like that to turning it around to what do I have to offer in this situation? \u00a0What do I have to offer the person that I\u2019m maybe talking to? \u00a0How do I need to show up in a way that is going to be positive and actually contribute and help them? \u00a0Because if I show up as my best self, if I show up in the way that I\u2019ve been gifted to show up, then I know that I\u2019ve done my job because the other people need what I have to offer. \u00a0The situation needs what I have to offer.<\/p>\r\n<p>And &#8220;if I can focus on offering what I have to offer instead of on surviving and making sure that I feel OK, if I can make sure that I\u2019m actually focusing on the other people and the situation itself and what I can bring to the situation&#8221; then you\u2019re taking yourself out of the equation. \u00a0You\u2019re taking your own sense of value out of the equation and all of a sudden the stakes are not nearly as high because they\u2019re not life and death like it felt like before.<\/p>\r\n<p><strong>And here\u2019s how you know that you have gotten to the place where you are filled with love instead of fear in the situation, it\u2019s when you are willing to sacrifice your own comfort.\u00a0You\u2019re willing to swallow your pride. \u00a0You\u2019re willing to do whatever it takes to offer the best of who you are to the situation. \u00a0It\u2019s when you actually take those steps, when you actually feel uncomfortable and keep moving forward, anyway, that you know that you are being motivated by purpose and love and that you are here to offer the best of who you are to the other person and to the situation.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n<p>And when you know that, you know that you have not, that not only does your voice matter, but you have made it matter more. \u00a0<\/p>\r\n<p>These are some of the things that we do when we work with emerging leaders. \u00a0When we do executive coaching, we do training. \u00a0Everything that we offer at Voice of Influence has depth to it. \u00a0And so if you\u2019re wanting to help your organization, if you\u2019re wanting to help yourself move to a deeper level in a sense of freedom and influence that is beyond what you can imagine, there is a path and it is unexpected.\u00a0 It is the unexpected path to connection and impact.<\/p>\r\n<p>Contact us at andrea@voiceofinfluence.net to schedule a conversation about how we can help you, help your team be a voice of influence.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Why do high-stakes conversations always feel so intense? Is it really necessary for these difficult conversations to feel like they\u2019re really so high-stakes? In this episode, I discuss the two questions above, what makes a conversation a high-stakes one, three questions to help you be prepared and ready to create the best outcome we can, [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3243,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[276],"tags":[453,552,269,270],"class_list":["post-3242","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-podcast","tag-andrea-joy-wenburg","tag-high-stakes-conversation","tag-podcast","tag-voice-of-influence"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/andreajoywenburg.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/High-Stakes-90-FB.jpg?fit=810%2C450&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6jZPB-Qi","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/andreajoywenburg.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3242","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/andreajoywenburg.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/andreajoywenburg.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/andreajoywenburg.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/andreajoywenburg.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3242"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/andreajoywenburg.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3242\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3292,"href":"https:\/\/andreajoywenburg.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3242\/revisions\/3292"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/andreajoywenburg.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3243"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/andreajoywenburg.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3242"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/andreajoywenburg.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3242"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/andreajoywenburg.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3242"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}